Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
