OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
We left the knife in your bed.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
