He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
