why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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