I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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