guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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