found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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