dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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