Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
The air was thick with penises
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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