So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Randomize