You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
