new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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