I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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