Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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