When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
