I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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