I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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