I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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