I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
