Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
