Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
