Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
