arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
