I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
