I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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