as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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