He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
We just shotgunned beers for America
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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