If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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