If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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