So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
