so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize