i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
