just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
