I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
