how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
