Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
