champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
