Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
