New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
