She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
