She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
