i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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