a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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