Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
