I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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