Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I cut my penus on the lid.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
