Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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