Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
