He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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