I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
