My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize