My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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