she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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