I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
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