Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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