I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
