fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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