How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
