I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
