I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
We talked him into tasing himself.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
